Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
