just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
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