am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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