Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
