When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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