you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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