shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
