Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
