Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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