We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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