she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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