so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
