Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
