At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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