Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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