Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
