Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
