My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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