well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
