six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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