ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
