Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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