you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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