3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
