Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
