I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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