im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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