i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
