I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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