Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I pour the whiskey from now on
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
