It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
