If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
