You really coming over, don't trick.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
