I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
