Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
