I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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