Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
