i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
