i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
did i just pee glitter
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
