I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
