When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
