i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
