I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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