I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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