Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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