i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
