; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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