arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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