My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
