She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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