I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
