He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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